My little angels!

It's happened before. It happened today. It will happen again.

Okay. My text to my dear hubby tonight was "When will you be here because I just quit my job." I'm guessing there was a sense of urgency on his part. Not because without my job we can't pay the bills--I don't get a paycheck. The urgency comes from the fact that my job is to take care of these three small people God has entrusted us with and to try to keep our lives and household functioning. These very large tasks would be difficult to do if you no longer have someone in charge.

I'm sorry for all of the times I took my mom for granted and for all of the times I was probably disrespectful and unappreciative. This is truly the most difficult job I have ever had! I love them. That is what makes it even worse when I feel that they don't treat me well. I ask myself what I have done wrong. I'm sure it is just because I am with them almost all of the time and I am the one who has to nag all of the time to keep our lives running. I'm not the fun, cool mom they wish they had, I'm sure. I may have to turn in my keys, stop using the stove, vacuum, washing machine....and then see if they have a new-found appreciation for what "My mom who doesn't do anything" really does. Yes, my oldest actually went through the list of parents of her friends who wanted to do a school service project together. They needed a chaperone. She finally got to me and declared that I was the only one who didn't have anything to do so I would have to do it.

And today, trying to help the middle one with a school science project he is doing with a friend...he would never treat anyone else the way he treated me. (Certainly not his friend's mom who he declared 2 years ago was the nicest mom in the world!) And by the way, his friend would never have spoken to that perfect mom the way my darling son spoke to me. Of the three, he is usually such a hard worker and usually so concientious with me. He's my boy. He usually is the first to thank me for random little things I do. He seems to notice more often the little things I do. But occasionally, like today, he chose to be disrespectful when I was taking my afternoon to work on a science project with him (since I have nothing better to do). Like raking all of the leaves that are staring at me through the back door, finishing the laundry, washing bedding, fixing dinner, getting the kids to piano, cleaning out the closet that is driving me crazy, sorting through the stacks of papers they bring home, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, grocery shopping...I'm so glad that I live such a life of leisure!

The little one--already was grounded for her sass yesterday. She was scolding me for being silly and nice after I told her she didn't have time to watch a movie before school. So I demonstrated what mean, grouchy mommy could be like. I asked her which mommy she liked better--her answer? Mrs. O. (my friend!)

So, today I quit. Unfortunately when the alarm goes off in the morning, someone has to do the job. So again, I will go back to work and do the job. I will love them. I never stop. I just hope at some point we work it out better than we have over the last week. For now, I will sleep. I'm gonna need it! It's like hitting the refresh button--sometimes it works better than others. I hope tonight my refresh button works and I hope that my kids all find theirs. I sensed remorse when I got home from my Girl Scout leader meeting--we will see if they can find it in themselves, at least for tomorrow, to give me a break!

There he goes again...

Wow! I just realized it has been almost a month since I posted anything! I also realized that my dear hubby has been home ever since then! We've been busy with lots of good things. House projects, out of town guests for a yummy lobster bake, my parents visited for a long weekend...but now he's gone again. Only 4 days this time. It will go quickly compared to our last set of trips. I think this is the last trip until February? I don't remember for sure, but I know this is it through the end of the year! :)

Good things for today:
I exercised!! Yeah me.

Mediocre things for today:
Took Adrianne to tennis. She didn't want to play tennis today. :{

Bad things for today:
Adrianne got the brunt of my frustration with my darling children leaving things laying all over the place and making messes that they think will magically get cleaned up. News for them--I stopped cleaning their stuff up and they will get to do it all this afternoon. As for my loving hubby--I can either put his things away or look at them for the next 4 days. Hmmmmm...decisions.

Thought for Today

If patience is a virtue then medical families will all be listed in the book of Saints.

Today I'm feeling a little spoiled!

What a lovely weekend! Life is good! It is amazing what can happen when a family is back together! Let's recap the weekend...

Friday: After Christian returned home from soccer practice and Alexandra returned home from dance class, Alexandra had two of her very sweet friends spend the night. We had a family pizza and movie night--plus 2. Alexandra graciously (without prompting) included her brother and sister in all of the festivities! Hallelujah! I love when all of the stars align!

Saturday: The kids stayed upstairs until 8 o'clock which is pretty much what I call perfect children on a sleepover! :) We had a nice breakfast (that my dear husband prepared!) and then the kids played a little more before their moms picked them up. After that we had a family outing to the zoo! So fun! So relaxed! So much family time! At 7pm the babysitter arrived and BJ and I went on a date! We went to a Spanish/Portuguese restaurant name Mallorca. We had never been to this restaurant but had heard it was very good. I told BJ that I may not have gone to Spain with him but that didn't mean we couldn't enjoy Spanish food together! So I made the reservations and it did not disappoint! Wonderful food and a wonderful evening.

Sunday: Adrianne's pre-school religion class started today so she went to her class while we went to church. The homily today was about "Using the gifts God gave you". I think that will be a post all on its own. We grabbed a quick lunch and headed out to Christian's soccer game. (Yeah! They won!)

The big surprise of the weekend was my early Christmas present. Yes, I know it is only September. I don't know if we can be okay with this because we have had to celebrate so many holidays and special occasions on days that are not the "real" holiday, or if it is just that we rebel sometimes because we have had so much delayed gratification throughout the years. Anyway, for years I have wanted to get a Digital SLR camera. I love photography. Not only to get pictures of my kids but also as art. Sometimes pictures of my kids as art! I love to decorate our home with pictures of places we have been. I LOVE vacation and having pictures of the places we have been is so relaxing for me. I think once BJ decided to get this for me, he must have decided "Why wait? Let's start getting some pictures!" We are planning to go to Paris next year for the same meeting he just returned from. Yes, we are planning that I will get to go! Yeah! (For my 21st birthday BJ bought me a Paris travel guide and promised to take me there someday. I have always wanted to go there! I'm sure that makes sense if you look to my post "A fashion designer?" It will only be 18 years later, but we are hoping it will finally happen!) I am hoping to know how to use the camera well by then and capture the beauty of the city that I have dreamed of visiting.

Also, if you saw my post "Hobbies" that I TRIED to write, I think this will be continued with my new Digital SLR! I will try to post some pictures as I get some along the way. I already got some AWESOME pictures of Christian playing basketball! It is incredible what kinds of pictures you can get given some amazing equipment (not to mention that it actually takes the picture when you PUSH the button and not just when it feels ready.) I have LOTS to learn but I think it will be really fun!

What a wonderful weekend! I am truly blessed! I'm so happy to have my hubby home! I am certainly ENJOYING TODAY!

Today...a better day!

I don't know if it is because my dear husband will be returning home tomorrow night from his trip (offering a bright light at the end of a long, dark tunnel of the last few weeks) or if it was buying some new shoes for fall. I know that sounds silly, but I did feel better after a little shopping therapy. Nothing fancy. Very practical. But none the less, new and MINE!

I do have to add here that I did a quick in and out of several other stores just to see if there was anything else I NEEDED. There wasn't. I didn't feel deprived because I didn't need anything else. Has anyone else been shopping lately? I hadn't. There isn't much out there! What is out there was not a good deal. I'm a deal shopper! I can tell you if there is a good deal and let me tell you, there weren't any out there. And honestly, nothing so cute that I even really wished it was a good deal.

Today was a very sweet day with my little Adrianne. My four year old princess went to get her hair cut (trimmed) today. Our hair stylist is so nice! She treats the kids the same way she treats adults--and doesn't charge the same! She just says that she figures they deserve a good haircut just like anyone else! (She also doesn't mind when I have to bring my kids with me to get my hair cut! It isn't my favorite thing to do with my kids, but at least she doesn't mind and I still get my hair cut and that is a good thing!)

After the haircut we had about an hour and a half before pre-school. We ran to Target and then enjoyed lunch together at Chik-fil-a. (Thanks to my best friend from residency, I am addicted to that place and anytime I see one I try to find a reason I have to go there!) While we were there (Yes, we ate INSIDE! This is very rare for me at any fast food place...hence the name FAST food. We are usually in too much of a hurry!) I witnessed two moms with a total of 5 kids between them and none of the kids could have been more than 4. It reminded me of "good times" in the food court at the Coral Ridge mall in Iowa during residency. Many, many times we would meet up with other resident's wives and their kids to go to the Children's Museum in the mall and then out to the food court for lunch. One of these sweet moms in her very cute southern voice kept warning the (I'm guessing two year old) little boy "If you throw one more piece of chicken on the floor, I'm goinna spank you!" Adrianne looked at me and said "I'm glad I'm not misbehaving like that!" She said it with such expressive eyes and then a sweet knowing little grin and nod, acknowledging that she was a little older and wiser than that poor child!

She was a gem this morning. Sometimes she can make me crazy, but today I really appreciated my time with her. She seemed so big to me! She was so sweet.

For any of you who are reading this and are (or are thinking about becoming) a doctor's spouse, I have to tell you that my husband read my blog from the other day. He is convinced that I could single-handedly convince anyone anywhere that they should run like the wind and never marry a doctor! Well, this isn't true. For those of you who love these incredibly special people, I would NEVER do this! Although it can be very, VERY tough at times to ride in the sidecar in this profession, I do have a great deal of respect for what he does! I know he is so good at what he does whether he is with a patient, doing research or presenting research at an international meeting. I think it will always be a struggle to balance all he does and all I do but at the core of it all we have a strong relationship and love for each other! That has to be the most important thing at all times! That is what will get you through! We've been together for 19 years and married for 16 of those. Trust me, it's been a roller coaster ride but it IS worth it!

Right now I'm guessing BJ is heading to the airport for a long day of travel home. We are all looking forward to having him back! Best of all, I have a babysitter lined up for Saturday night! Yipee!! Where should we go?!

Hobbies

What do I have that is MINE?

Since it seems that my days are dictated by what everyone else wants to do and needs, I am trying to find a way to have something that is MINE! I know it sounds very toddler-esk to say "I want it. It's MINE!" I think everyone needs to have something that is theirs.

When I Look Back at what I wanted for my life, I had lots of big ideas. I knew I wanted a family but I'm not sure I knew the level of sacrifice involved. I think it is like labor...nobody really tells you all of the details prior to your first go at it. Afterwards, they are completely willing to share all of the gorey details! Afterward you have a bond with other mothers. Someone who understands! The life of a "stay at home mom", in my experience, seems to completely revolve around everyone else. It's tough sometimes to not feel like the unpaid house servant. So in an effort to get over my bitterness about not having anything in my day that is for me, I am looking for ways to make it better.

This week things particularly came to a head in my house. I don't know if part of it is just trying to get everyone's new school and activity schedules worked out. Or maybe it is because I have been a single parent for most of the month. My husband's schedule has been really crazy and he has been out of town even more than expected. I do okay when it is just a few days at a time but when it is multiple trips that are really close together and if any of them are a week--my mood gets really bad! It's not even that when he is out of town that I have more that I have to do getting the kids to and from things, because he is not usually home from work when all of that happens anyway.

The part that makes it really hard is that I feel stranded. Abandoned. Lonely. I feel like I am stuck here to take care of everything and that I don't get to do anything fun. Anything that is just for me. Anything that was grown-up fun. Friday night I was so envious of other people for their Friday night plans: Football game, date night, party, going out of town, and then there was me. At home just like any other day. I'm sure it is worse because this was the third Friday night in a row that it was just me and the kids. Thank goodness we got to go to my neice's birthday party yesterday so we had something fun to do this weekend. I had other adults to talk to! The kids had other people to play with!

I have been interrupted so many times while I have been trying to write this! Arguments, problems, etc. This is why I don't get to do anything until after my kids are in bed. This is why I need something for me!

Maybe later I will get back to what I was going to talk about with hobbies and something for me. Maybe--if I ever get a chance. Until then, I guess I'll just go do what I have to do.

Enjoying Today?

Believe me. I am really trying. I am trying to enjoy my cute little people but sometimes they make it so hard! :) Between the bickering about nothing in the back seat of the car to the "What do we get to do that is fun today?" (Okay, I realize that as an isolated question that doesn't sound so bad but it is the expectation that every day should be a party that annoys me!) Not to mention the fact that I am on my own from Wednesday to Monday. That is a story in and of itself!

Okay I have to tell that story. BJ was asked last week to travel with the Vice Chair of his department to Abu Dhabi to do an eye exam on someone in the royal family there. It ends up that he is doing exams on a few of the members of the family and was going to visit with them at the palace afterward. I cannot wait to hear stories about his trip. Even though this is truly an inconvenience for our family for him to travel across the world for a "house call", what a unique experience for him! Given the fact that he already had a meeting he has to leave for this coming Thursday in Barcelona for a week, my patience with the kids and being on my own is probably not what it should be in order to "enjoy today".

Okay. Back to our day here...Since Christian has a soccer tournament all weekend I told them that we were just going to stay in this evening and that we would order pizza and do a movie on demand so we could get to bed at a decent time. Yeah! They loved that idea! I was trying to make it a fun night with very little effort on my part. It has been a long week and is going to be a long weekend. We have to be on the soccer fields at 7:30 a.m. on Saturday and Sunday!

The pizza arrived. We went upstairs to see what movies we had to choose from. We watched previews, and more previews. A good 20 minutes later (at least) they were still arguing about what movie to watch. Really? Why does it have to be so hard? Just pick one and let's move on. Finally I just walked away. They cried. They plead their case about how they have figured it out and they are sorry. Too late. They (mostly one) argued with ME about how I wasn't listening that they had figured it out! Again, I said too late. And stop interrupting me and being disrespectful! We talked. And talked. I still said no movie. I offered to them that if they got ready for bed and could pick out a game that they could all agree on we would play a game before bed. They went to get ready.

I reminded Christian that I needed his soccer clothes to make sure he had everything ready for tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn. He went to get his soccer backpack out. Backpack? Mom. Where is my backpack? Mom. Did Dad pick me up from practice in YOUR car? No. Dad picked you up on his way home from work while I was at the Middle School open house. Mom. My backpack might be in Dad's car. Okay, we don't really need the backpack but we DO need half of his uniform that is in the backpack. We searched everywhere in the house that it could be. What now? We drive to the airport 20 minutes away and search the parking lot for Dad's car and look to see if the backpack is in the car. (It is almost 8:00 at this point and the kids are in their pj's.) Kids--in the car! We drive to the airport and of course on the way we see the most spectacular FULL MOON. Of course we do. That explains a lot. Fortunately I know which lot BJ usually parks in and I was able to find his car. Yes, the backpack is in the back seat. The uniform pieces we were missing were in the backpack. Sigh. Another problem solved.

We headed back home and the kids got to bed much later than I had planned when I originally had suggested pizza and a movie. Crisis management. Enjoyable? Not today. But I decided to write about it because some day when they are older and we are looking back on today, I'm sure we will be able to laugh.

Looking Back...A Fashion Designer?

This goes WAY back! I had an interest in fashion at a very young age. I think I was pulling photos from catalogs and magazines all the way back by the time I was 10 years old. I was already planning my wedding then! I LOVED doing things like that! A good friend and I would sketch out dresses...always formal wear. I loved pretty dresses. (I still do!) I used to watch the Miss America pageants (or whatever pageant was on tv) just to see what the formal dresses looked like! I designed and made my prom dress my junior year of high school. I also used it as a 4-H project and went to the State Fair for the Fashion Revue. I designed and made another formal dress that was inspired by one of the Miss America dresses. I wore my mom's wedding dress for my wedding but I had to alter and change it to work for me and I embellished it to make it look like what the current trends inspired.

I went to Purdue and majored in the department of Consumer and Family Sciences with my major being Retail Management. I did this in order to have my own Bridal and Formal Wear Business one day. I was so fortunate to receive a scholarship through 4-H which enabled me to attend Purdue and only pay for housing due to my 4-H experience and the fact I was earning my degree in the department of Consumer and Family Sciences. I did an internship in Birmingham, AL with Parisian in their buying office and in management in a store. What a wonderful experience!

During my experience at Purdue, the most important thing in my life happened. I met my husband, BJ. Suddenly I had someone else to factor into my BIG plans. So, unless you are just independently wealthy, I don't see how you would graduate from college and just go open your own business. The options I had with my degree were to go work for a big company in a store management or buying position. BJ was applying to medical school when I was graduating, getting married and looking for a job. I would have loved to have worked for Parisian at their buying office in Birmingham. But, it was not just me anymore and what I wanted. It was at this point that I (we) decided we needed to go where the training would take us with BJ's quest to become a doctor.

I didn't end up becoming a fashion designer. I didn't end up in a buying office. I didn't end up opening my own bridal and formal wear store. There are many things about all of those careers that would not have worked well for us along the way. I must point out right now that BJ is always very supportive of anything I want to do! However, the reality is that with medical training there is a great deal of inflexibility which is in no way the fault of the trainee. You have to go where you match with the training program. We moved for one year for BJ's internship, three years for residency, two years for fellowship (where we have ended up staying because he joined staff here). The reality of his career is that we may move again. And again. Another reality is that he travels, a lot. Some families may have figured out how to follow two careers. In my experience I have found that there is going to be one person's career you follow and that the other person will make adaptations. The unpredictable schedule of someone in Retail Management did not mesh with the unpredictable schedule of a doctor with call schedules and crazy clinic schedules...at least not when it comes to having a family who needs a mommy or daddy there regularly. So that ended up being the end of the career ambition I had initially had when I graduated from high school. Will I ever do anything related to this career in my future? I don't know. I tend to think that if you have entrepreneurial tendancies ever, that you will probably always have those tendencies. We'll see... There have been other things I have done throughout our marriage so far that have related to those interests. Maybe not fashion--yet. The future is anyone's guess, right?

In later posts I will discuss the other experiences I have had along the way...

Starting Something New

I decided today to start a new blog. I've tried to do a blog before. It was more of a way to share photos with family and friends. Even though I may still do that some through this blog, I'm looking for a way to share my experiences with others who may be going through the same sort of identity searches I have over the last 20 years. Wow. I hate to say how old that makes me feel. I know I'm not really, but 20 years since high school sounds like a long time.

I sometimes try to take myself back to high school graduation and think about what I wanted from my life. Where did I think I would be 20 years later? Am I doing what I thought I would be doing? Hmmm...NO. Is that a bad thing? NO. Is there any way I could have truly prepared myself for my life I lead today. NO. There were too many unknowns.

If you had asked me way back then, I am sure I would have told you exactly what my life was going to be. I had PLANS! I even argued with my high school counselor about the fact that I didn't need to take typing for the whole year because my secretary would do the typing, not me! I lost that arguement and I have to admit now that I am glad I know how to type. Who knew that it would be one of our main means of communication?!?

Sharing that little bit of what my drive and attitude about my future was like may help you to understand how some days I stop and look at my life and say: "How did I get here?" "Is this what my life was meant to be?" "Did I plan this or did it just happen to me?" "Am I happy with where my life has lead me?" "Where do I want my life to take me?"

These are the questions I am hoping to address through this blog. I hope that it will help me to gain perspective and appreciation for my life. I hope if anyone else decides to read it...that it might help you too. I'm pretty sure that I am not the only 30 something Stay At Home Mom who has ever asked herself these questions. (At least I tell myself that I am normal and many people probably feel this way!)

So, in future posts I will be:

Looking Back. What were my plans and goals for my life? What has happened on this long and winding road so far? How has that formed me and the person I am today?

Looking Forward. Where do I want this life to take me? What do I want for my family? How am I going to make that happen?

Enjoying Today. I feel like sometimes I get so bogged down in the daily tasks I have to do that I don't take time to enjoy today. Seriously. Laundry, dirty dishes and being a taxi driver every day aren't all that exciting for me. (I sense that some people find it to be gratifying...maybe it is all a front!) Anyway, it is not what I had in mind when I day dreamed about my future when I was 18 years old. We were raised being told: "Do whatever you want!" "Be whatever you want to be!" "Dream Big!" But, when push comes to shove, somebody in the family still has to make sure that everyone has clean clothes to wear, clean dishes to eat off of and those cute little people without drivers licenses (who we have been blessed to share our lives with) still have to get to where they need to go. So, I look around. There is my extremely busy doctor husband (who as I am writing this is flying to the other side of the world to do an eye exam on a VIP--now THAT is what I call a house call!) Three cute little people. And me. Okay. It may not be what I had envisioned for my life but here I am and I know my work is important. (Even when it seems monotonous and when it feels like nobody appreciates what I do, it needs to be done.) So one of my goals through this blog is to look past the monotony of everyday tasks and start to appreciate the beauty of my family. I am blessed. I love my three cute little people and my very busy doctor husband (and my furry little dog). I hope to share our happy moments. Work through our difficult ones. Laugh at anything that deserves a good laugh. And Enjoy Today! So, at this very moment I am going to make my cute little 4 year old person happy and go play doll house!